This Is All Wrong
by Lexiconish
Summary: An insane old man interferes with Fakir's life, asking him to collect all the shattered pieces of Rue's shattered heart. Wait, so all those times she said she loved Mytho, she was lying through her teeth? Ahiru causes chaos as a poor knight too. Screw It.
1. In Which Fakir's Catchphrase Appears

**This Is All Wrong**

**by Black-Sakura27**

**Disclaimer: **Black-Sakura27 does not own Princess Tutu. She was also inspired by a similar idea to this, and does not claim full ownership. Black-Sakura27 does not own the first verse of the 'theme song' either. This is credited to Princess Tutu Abridged. I wrote the second verse for my fan fiction, but well... it's crappy, right?

**Warnings: **Occassional out-of-character-ness, which was unavoidable. Extreme Drosselmeyer behaviour. Extreme Ahiru stupidity.

**Summary:** Mixed and matched roles of Princess Tutu. An insane old man interferes with Fakir's life and asks him to restore the pieces of his best friend's girlfriend's shattered heart. "Wait. So, all the times she said she loved him, she was lying through her teeth?" It would be easier if wanna-be knights weren't trying to mess everything up. "Screw it."

**Chapter One: In Which Fakir's Catchphrase Appears**

~ScrewIt~

_She's A Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass,_

_Even Though She Is A Duck She Really Is High Class,_

_And In Ballet School She Barely Can Pass,_

_Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass!_

_One Day Evil Fanfic Writers Came And Stole The Plot,_

_Took A Knight, A Duck, A Prince And Threw Them In A Pot,_

_Stirred With Frequent Errors, And Changed To What Was Not,_

_Meant To Be And Served With Liebe,_

_A Magical BallerinO Prince Who's Reluctant!_

~ScrewIt~

Fakir rolled over in his sleep, a frown marring his handsome features. He was having the most _twisted_ dream he had ever had before, and he honestly just wanted it to be over with.

_A raven haired girl twirled on the surface of a lake, garbed in a beautiful white gown, she held a faint smile on her lips. There was something wrong though; in the girl's captivating ruby gaze, was nothing; empty. He would have said she looked lonely, or sorrowful, but the truth was neither. This girl held nothing, and a part of him knew why. The part that didn't would soon be told._

_Bored of watching the pitiful girl, Fakir turned around, realising that something was off in the way that he moved; seeing his reflection, his bright, wide green eyes widened. A sleek, velvety feathered black duck blinked the same green eyes from the water. This was the sort of dream Fakir wasn't used to; a duck, he was a _duck_!_

_Whipping around, he studied the girl more carefully. He knew that girl. She drifted about the school dancing magnificantlly, but her dances were all technique. There was no passion. Fakir's own room mate, the clever Mytho, was her self-appointed boyfriend. Why had he not recognised her sooner then?_

_He guessed he had never before zoned in on how miserable her visage was before now. Perhaps that was it. A pang of sympathy flowed out from him. If he could, he would like to help her. _

_He would like to help Rue._

Fakir shot upright as he awoke, and he foolishly held his hands out in front of him for examination; not a feather in sight, thank goodness. Sighing, he pushed the dream aside, because really Rue couldn't be that pathetic, and if she was, it didn't matter to him.

He rose from the bed, and glanced to his side to find that Mytho was already pulling his pants on. "Ah, you're up," he said, "It's unusual for you to wake after me. You might want to hurry up and get dressed though, I think Neko-sensei will be mad if we're late."

Fakir nodded, and proceeded to class calmly. It had already started, and Neko-sensei scowled at them. Fakir praised the heavens that he was a boy, and so his teacher had never seen fit to threaten him with marriage as punishment, the way he did the girls.

Did he mention his teacher was a cat? Tall, lisping, grey-furred and amber eyed, Neko-sensei was incredibly desperate for marriage, and so often did students turn his proposals down, Fakir worried that the... man/beast would eventually resort to even the male students. He wasn't looking forward to that day. Evading the teacher's hissing scolding, Fakir and Mytho stepped over to the bar and began to practice. Eyes scanning the class, he was momentarily reminded of his dream as his sight alighted on Rue, who was already dancing. Graceful movements, smooth transitions, precise placement of her hands and feet; but as in his dream, there was absolutely no emotion coming across. _'Weird,'_ he thought, but continued to sweep the class. He was distracted for a moment by the fumbling red-head in the beginner's class that was always late. Ahiru, he was sure her name was. Her friends were currently causing her excruciating pain as they leaned against her back and teased her.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!" she wailed as they giggled, and Fakir supposed he should have felt sorry for her. Fat chance.

"Fakir?" Mytho nudged his side, "Shouldn't you be dancing right about now?"

Probably. He didn't though. He'd practice later in the day, when other students weren't around. He preferred not to dance in front of people, unless he was performing. Naturally, he couldn't always get away with that, but today Neko-sensei seemed thoroughly engrossed in the beginners lesson (he couldn't help but wonder if this was because the majority of this class was made up of young girls, but dismissed it before he started to think of his teacher as more of a creep than he already did) he managed to lean against the wall and ignore everyone.

_'I wish everyone would ignore me too,'_ he thought with irritation as he felt the stares of more than half the female population in the room. _'Dammit, I wish fangirls would pester someone else once in a while. Come on, don't they have fan fiction to write or something? Couldn't they at least be constructive with their obsessions?'_

~ScrewIt~

"Swishy sword," a voice was singing softly. And, badly; incredibly off-key. Fakir winced, following the sound to Ahiru, who was settled on the edge of the fountain and waving a stick around in a mockery of a sword. Mildly curious, he watched as she continued to mutter. "Knight-hood, psh, stuff it I don't have anyone that needs protecting..." she trailed off, noticing his gaze, and waving stupidly with the '_sword_'. "Oh, hi Senior Fakir!"

He thought it best not to answer. If he didn't acknowledge it, maybe someday it would cease to exist. A good rule to live by; don't get involved in weird things. Ahiru was all-around weird.

Instead, he wandered over to the library, and flipped through the pages of a book he'd been meaning to check out. "Who the hell wrote this thing, Charon?" his guardian, Charon, had early in life proved to Fakir that he would never be going anywhere in the writing business. What Fakir had been reading was... absolute rubbish. "This doesn't make a speck of sense; I mean, first he avoids her because he wants to devour her life, and suddenly, randomly, with barely a word spoken, they're in love and nothing can tear them apart? Where, I ask, _where_ was the development!?" He silently wondered if maybe Ahiru was the author. Honestly, she seemed to fail at everything he'd seen her do so far, he wouldn't be surprised. Checking the name of the author, he made a mental note to _never_ pick up another book written by her again.

By now, it was growing late, and he set the book back on the shelf, carefully (a book was still a book, no matter how awful it was) and stepped out of the library and towards his dormitory, where Mytho was already asleep. _'I can talk with him more often another time,'_ Fakir thought. The two of them were fairly close friends, almost brothers, but frankly Mytho shied away from Fakir's controlling nature, and tended to be asleep half the time Fakir was around. Sometimes he suspected the white haired boy did this on purpose.

Climbing into bed, it took some time for him to fall asleep again. When he did, he wished he hadn't.

_He was on the lake, again, and Rue was dancing in the background. Fakir didn't pay her any attention this time, and barely stopped to confirm he was a duck again, choosing to explore the realm of his dreams in more depth, but only got so far as some reeds. Sitting in a rocking chair, scribbling in a book (vandalism!) was an elderly man with a maniacal pair of eyes, a colourful feather hat, curly white hair and, well, his whole presence screamed 'freak'. _

_"You can't come this way," the man said in a deep, gravelly, booming voice that seemed to encompass the whole lake._

_"Why? It's my dream, I'll do what I want."_

_"Well, you can't, because I've gone to all the trouble of setting this dream up again, so you better get back over there, and yearn to help her." He sounded mildly annoyed, the scratching of the quill stopping temporarily as he spoke, not looking at Fakir._

_"Can't I just 'yearn' from over here?" Fakir suggested._

_"Wha-? You-? Sp-? Over-?" the man spluttered, stunned, "N-no! No, you can't."_

_He was sick of the freak already. "Whatever."_

_"Look, you're going to ask me who I am, right now, alright?" the man snapped._

_"Just tell me."_

_"Ask."_

_"Fine."_

_They sat in silence for a long time, and finally the man heaved an exasperated sigh. "You may call me Drosselmeyer, or Big-Daddy-Home-Dawg-D." At Fakir's rather disturbed expression, he amended, "Drosselmeyer is probably easier. In any case, now you're going to ask what I am doing here." Remembering that Fakir wasn't really interested, he elected to continue himself, "I'm here to offer you a way to help that young girl. You see, she doesn't have a heart. She's a princess, and she battled a monster chicken - sorry, I mean, a monster _Raven_, this damn dream system stuffs up sometimes, it's rather old - anyway. In order to seal the raven away, she shattered her own heart, and the pieces scattered. Then the raven came out of the story I wrote," here he raised a rather elaborately decorated book, "and she followed after it. Now the story is happening in your town, and I can't get it moving, so it's gotten rather dull."_

_"I've read that book," Fakir inserted helpfully, but passed no other comment._

_"Have you? That's nice. Back to my deal: I need you to become Princess Tutu - at least, that's what the character was called in my story, but well, it's kind of gotten a bit muddled in the real world. Now I suppose it'll have to be... I don't know, Prince Tights?"_

_Fakir dead-panned, and Drosselmeyer heaved a sigh. "Or not. Well, come on, I'm working with a ballet theme here. You're a bookworm, any ideas?"_

_"I'm supposed to become some magical prince. Who'll do what now?" Fakir asked._

_"Gather the heart shards of course."_

_"Screw that," Fakir said almost before Drosselmeyer had finished, "Do you know how many emotions people can feel? I could spend my life collecting these things, and _still_ not finish! No way."_

_Beginning to rock in his curved wooden chair, Drosselmeyer laughed. "Too bad. This is your destiny pal."_

_As Drosselmeyer threw a rather sharp green rock at his head, Fakir woke up._

"Good Lord," he growled, sitting up, "What have I been eating lately?" He then felt a stab of pain on his forehead, and reached up to feel a faint cut. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

However, looking to his lap, Fakir discovered a clear, swirling emerald stone. Something like a white mist could be seen inside it, and it was shaped like the blade of a sword, missing the hilt. "Bugger," he cursed, coming to the conclusion that he may as well hold onto it, in case it was one of those time-wasting things that when thrown away, kept coming back in less and less comfortable places. Attaching it to a silver chain, he looped it over his head, and got ready for class.

As he watched Rue and Mytho performing for the rest of the class, he couldn't help but think he had just been forced into something weird. He knew somewhere in his life he'd promised he wouldn't do that, but... well, here he was. _'The reluctant Prince,'_ he mused, _'How about that Big-Daddy-Home-Dawg-D? Prince Reluctant.' _About ten minutes later, _'I hope he didn't take that seriously.'_

~ScrewIt~

_Day One_

Fakir dreamt again. Drosselmeyer was there. He said he wanted a name, and to hurry up with it.

_Day Two_

Drosselmeyer was in the mirror's reflection today. Needless to say, Fakir freaked and screamed pervert. It took some time to convince a paranoid Mytho that he'd over-reacted to something...

_Day Three_

He was kind of expecting Drosselmeyer to be waiting at the fountain at lunch. People were gawking at him, so Fakir skipped lunch, and went directly to the library. He almost wished he could swap Drosselmeyer for some regular female stalkers again.

_Day Four_

"Seriously," Fakir scowled at the spoon, where Drosselmeyer's deformed features (you choose whether this is because of the spoon, or just Drosselmeyer's natural freakishness) were staring at him, "I don't have any ideas. You pick one yourself."

"I swear, I'll name you Prince Tights," Drosselmeyer jeered.

In response, Fakir threw the spoon into his cereal, and walked away. Drosselmeyer's shadow followed him instead of his own. A few girls shrieked in horror, and fainted in the hallways. "_Fine_," Fakir grit out, "How about..." he paused to think. "Prince Prinz?"

"What?" Drosselmeyer exclaimed, "Prince Prince? That's just _terrible_! No."

"Ok. Then..."

"Nevermind," Drosselmeyer suddenly interrupted, not wanting to be subjected to that again, and also having been struck with inspiration. "You go ahead and enjoy life until I give Destiny a call; I've got her number here somewhere..." the shadow vanished. Fakir went on to class without any further worry.

Ahiru was waving her arms around pathetically. Mytho was dancing with the power and determination of a king, and Rue was... dancing the way Rue dances.

Fakir joined in for once, and danced causing the rest of the class to stop and watch; Fakir's dancing shouted for everyone to 'watch me, watch me!'.

~ScrewIt~

That was the point when things got serious. True, Drosselmeyer remained unusually... well. True, ballet classes continued, and the people involved pretended nothing was wrong. But at this point, everyone became...

... serious.

On his way to the library, Fakir passed beneath Rue's dormitory window. That didn't seem odd, because he always did, and rarely even noticed the bold violet curtains that fluttered in the breeze. Today though, he stopped and looked up, as he had done occassionally ever since Drosselmeyer's appearance, just in case the decrepit man gave 'Destiny a call'. She was standing there at the moment, dull eyes examining the world around her with little interest. A raven flew past her window, and she followed its path with crimson eyes, unblinking.

Then she clambered onto the sill, and leaned out, spreading her arms wide, and she jumped. Fakir's eyes grew wide in alarm. Was the girl insane? She was attempting suicide! _'Now would be a good time Big-D!'_ he thought, rushing forwards without thinking, and squeezing the green stone around his neck tightly, feeling it dig into his skin, and blinked as light enveloped him. Before he could protest, he stood in the courtyard in a pair of black tights, a form-fitting black top that had sleeves that cut off at different lengths, one half way down his upper arm, and the other three-quarters of the way down his arm. He wore sleek black two shoes, and his hair was... short, and sloped down at the back to the nape of his neck. He also had a deep, navy blue cloak.

"Ridiculous," he muttered, before remembering that Rue was falling and pretending to fly. Slapping his forehead, he grimaced as he pirouetted forewards, and softened her fall with a carpet of slippery dark blue petaled flowers. Scooping her up uncerimoniously, he snarled, "Idiot! Humans. Can't. Fly!" immediately stalking away, Drosselmeyer's voice echoing in his head: _"You are Prince Liebe."_

"Screw destiny!" Fakir shouted as he stomped towards the forest, "Screw it!"

. . . whereupon, to his alarm, he promtly transformed into a tiny duck. _"I hate you,"_ he 'quacked', hearing Drosselmeyer's amused laughter all around him, _"This is NOT funny!"_

Oh, but it was.

~ScrewIt~

**Kura: **Here I enter with a brand new fan fiction, to apologise for deleting "The Doomed Princess"! I did so, because if I ever get around to it, I can improve it, in which case I will re-upload it. Anyway, I confess, I had this idea while watching Princess Tutu Akt 13 - you know the one, the finalé of Series One? Where Fakir 'dies'? Yeah. Except as I began to write it, I recalled reading somewhere on deviantART that someone had done an RPG type thing with a similar idea, so perhaps I was influenced, therefore, I do not claim full rights to the idea. I was inspired.

Anyway. I realise Rue is going to be Out Of Character a lot, because she doesn't have a heart. Can't really be helped. Mytho is going to flit between Prince!Mytho and Raven!Mytho and Heartless!Mytho... Rue will probably randomly burst out as her other personalities too. Ahiru is going to be a little bit... um, amusing, to say the least, and Drosselmeyer was _intentionally_ OOC alright? I wanted him to be. Also... I did randomly decide that Fakir's version of 'Quack' is 'Screw it'.

Insert: Big-Daddy-Home-Dawg-D came from Princess Tutu Abridged on youtube. Go check it out if you haven't, and stick with it; the later episodes have improved a lot from the first few.

Drosselmeyer: Do I have a mobile?

Kura: Yes.

Drosselmeyer: And I have Destiny's phone number?

Kura: Apparently.

Fakir: Lol~ I am reluctant.

Kura: Very. I'm afraid that doesn't really change. I'd like to point out: This _is_ an Ahiru/Fakir fic, and a Mytho/Rue fic. Sorry guys, at no point in the story will Fakir or Rue have romantic feelings for the other. There are other feelings though...

Fakir: Yeah...?

Ahiru: -glaring- what _kind_ of 'other feelings'?

Kura: Nothing romantic, remember?

Rue: I have a question.

Kura: Mmm?

Rue: What's Prince Prinz mean? And Prince Liebe?

Kura: Glad you asked. Autor, if you please.

Autor: -pushes glasses up nose- certainly. Prinz, as any die-hard Princess Tutu fan ought to know, is German for 'prince'. -sidetracks from script momentarily- honestly, Fakir, that was dreadful. -returns to script after receiving a death glare- Uh, and liebe is German for 'love'. Thus, Drosselmeyer has rather humiliated Fakir with the title...

Mytho: Prince Love.

Ahiru: That is _so_ cute!

Kura: . . . Let's cut to the chase. A review would be nice, and it'd go a long way towards faster updates. Hopefully, next chapter will be an improvement. The story will begin to deviate from Princess Tutu at times. Please stick with this, because I realise this chapter isn't my best, and I will be getting better. Chapters will probably be longer, too.


	2. In Which They Get Weird

**This Is All Wrong**

**by Black-Sakura27**

**Disclaimer: **Black-Sakura27 does not own Princess Tutu. She was also inspired by a similar idea to this, and does not claim full ownership. Black-Sakura27 does not own the first verse of the 'theme song' either. This is credited to Princess Tutu Abridged. She wrote the second verse for this fan fiction, but well... it's crappy, right?

**Warnings: **Occassional out-of-character-ness, which was unavoidable.  
Extreme Drosselmeyer behaviour.  
Extreme Ahiru stupidity.  
Minor bad language.

Fakir quality sarcasm.

**Summary:** An insane old man interferes with Fakir's life and asks him to restore the pieces of his best friend's girlfriend's shattered heart. "Wait. So, all the times she said she loved him, she was lying through her teeth?" It would be easier if wanna-be knights weren't trying to mess everything up. "Screw it."

**Chapter Two: In Which They Get Weird**

~ScrewIt~

_She's A Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass,  
Even Though She Is A Duck She Really Is High Class,  
And In Ballet School She Barely Can Pass,  
Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass!_

_One Day Evil Fanfic Writers Came And Stole The Plot,  
Took A Knight, A Duck, A Prince And Threw Them In A Pot,  
Stirred With Frequent Errors, And Changed To What Was Not,  
Meant To Be And Served With Liebe,  
A Magical Ballerina Prince Who Is Reluctant!_

~ScrewIt~

Morning dawned clearly in Kinkan Town, and Ahiru was late again. "Hn," she noted, "Rue looks even more out of it than usual."

Pike and Lilie, her two abusive friends stood on either side of her. "Really? She looks normal to us."

She shrugged it off. It was likely she was only imagining it, and she and Rue had a loose sisterly-friendship at best, so it wasn't really any of her business. Although, really, apart from Mytho Rue didn't have any friends _other_ than Ahiru, so it might be nice if she asked her what was wrong. Brushing the rules of 'no interaction between beginners and advanced' aside, she tucked a strand of her bright hair behind her ear, and approached her 'friend'. "Good morning Rue."

"Hello Ahiru."

"How are you feeling today? You look kind of lost."

"You are one to talk," the ash-haired girl scoffed, stretching her leg out on the bar. "I suppose I am feeling a bit confused. Someone told me yesterday that humans couldn't fly. I'm a bit shocked."

She could feel a sweatdrop developing as she listened to Rue's serious tone. The girl didn't joke about things, but really, she was an intelligent being. How could she not have known? "Um... you... didn't know?"

"I realise we don't have wings," she stated, "But if we can jump so high, and build such tall buildings, and if we've got arms, why shouldn't we be able to? Even so, when I tried yesterday, I just... sort of... fell."

Managing to stifle her yelp of horror, azure orbs expanded in surprise as she thought, _'Quack! She tried to fly!? I need to find out who saved her and thank them, seriously!'_ "Uh, so, uh, who saved you then?"

"He looked a bit like Fakir, but he didn't mention his name, and he was dressed much too silly to be Fakir. Besides, he had short hair."

"Oh, ok."

She stood in silence for a while, remembering the dream she had recently. A creepy old man told her that he'd be needing her assistance as a knight to protect someone shortly, as soon as he procured a Prince. _'He didn't mean Rue, did he? Am I supposed to make sure she doesn't try to fly again? How am I supposed to do that when we're barely friends? Besides, she's not _stupid_, she gets better grades than I do all the time. She'll be fine, she'd only get annoyed with me if I insulted her pride like that...'_ Of the few times Ahiru had evoked emotion from the other girl, it had been a display of her unfailing temper. She would rather evoke a smile, truthfully, but it never happened. Rue was passionate, but oh-so-rarely. If only there was a way to increase that passion...

"Ahiru-san!" Neko-sensei lisped, "If you do not obey rules, I will have no choice but to drop you to the probationary class. Either that or..." she didn't let him finish, tearing across the room in between Lilie and Pike, and launched into the basics at once.

"I'm so sorry!" she shrieked, and her teacher started washing himself. Why did she have a cat as a teacher anyway? Didn't _anyone_ else find it the least bit strange? Studying the other students curiously, she realised that Fakir was absent, though Mytho was dancing in the corner... he was so handsome... but enough of that. He looked a little worried. She'd have liked to have gone over and asked what the problem was (being 'friends' with Rue meant she often got the chance to speak with Mytho, and the boy did seem to find her... endearing) but she wouldn't risk breaking the rules again. Perhaps after class then.

Sure enough, after class she had the opportunity. Mytho had remained behind to practice some more, as he usually did; around this time, Fakir generally left for the library, Ahiru knew. So, she hurried over and gave him a 'let-me-brighten-your-day' smile, which he returned with slightly less enthusiasm. "Hi Mytho! You look a bit anxious. Is something wrong? Is Fakir sick, because I haven't seen him today, not that I see him on a regular basis, because we don't really talk that much and he kind of scares me... ah, anyway..."

"You're right. I'm very worried. Fakir didn't come back to the dorm last night," he confessed, "and he wasn't around this morning either. He's disappeared. I'd think he'd gone to his house but... it's not like him to not mention it to me. I wonder what happened."

Ahiru couldn't believe it, but she felt a little worried about the guy too; it was weird for him not to come home. "Ah... hey, do you want me to help you look for him?" she suggested, "I mean, I've got free time, since I wasn't extremely late today, and Neko-sensei didn't give me cleaning duty."

"Would you?" he asked, brightening slightly, "Thankyou Ahiru, you are very kind. Mind you, don't act like a fangirl, because I get the feeling they annoy him," he advised.

Ahiru didn't think she'd have a problem with that one. As she'd mentioned before, she was kind of frightened of the older boy, and besides, she was a 'Mytho Girl'. One of the few, apparently, because as popular as Mytho was, Fakir was much more favoured. Rushing to the changerooms, she pulled on her school uniform, and bound her hair in the usual plait, before racing out into the open. She doubted that Fakir would be wandering around the school, because Mytho would already have checked, but just in case she slipped into the library and called out loudly, "Fakir-senpai! Are you in here?"

A boy wearing glasses rose from his seat and shot her a deadly glare. "Be quiet! This is a library."

Murmuring a swift apology, she guessed he wasn't about, and made her exit, heading away from the school towards a lake she liked to sit at. "Fakir," she called at various intervals, "Mytho's worried about you, so you should come home now. Fakir, are you hurt or something?"

Unbeknownst to her, Fakir, the duck, was sitting beside a bush on the edge of the lake, listening to her calling out to him, and feeling guilty for causing Mytho trouble. Still, it was hardly his fault. _'Prince Liebe. I thought he was working with a ballet theme, I mean, come on that's such a lame name!'_ he thought sourly, watching Ahiru collapse on the lake's bank, about 2 metres away from him. She appeared tired.

"Man, what a jerk. I'm not even acting like a fangirl, because Mytho said they irritate him. I don't think I act like a fangirl _anyway_, but whatever. He could at least answer me when I call out, he's gotta be around somewhere, and Mytho's his friend, doesn't he even feel a little bit sorry?"

Fakir felt insulted. If he _could_ reply, then he would have, but as he was a duck, well, he was rather limited in his vocabulary. "Quack!" he said, glaring at her, and she jumped, a similar exclamation escaping her lips, eyeing him curiously.

"Oh, hello. What an unusual duck... I've never seen one with such green eyes. Hahaha, this is funny, because everyone's always telling me how I'm so like a duck. My name even means duck, did you know that? And I can't help saying 'quack' sometimes. Now I'm sitting here talking to you, maybe I _am_ a duck."

He blinked, because there was nothing else he could do in this situation.

"Wow, I'm really tired," she said, yawning, "Fakir probably already went home anyway..." she trailed off, slumping over in the mud. Typical, really, only _she_ would be able to fall asleep in a place like this so quickly. Repressing his distaste, Fakir waddled (to think, he had been subjected to _waddling_) over to her, and very purposefully, slammed his beak into her head. Twice. And then he bit her nose.

"OW!" she shrieked, jerking upright. "Oh! I suppose I can't go falling asleep out here, right? Thankyou." What a moron. She was thanking an apparently unintelligent being - oh but wait, she would be able to relate to such a creature, he noted bitterly. She scrambled to her feet, and gave him a light wave. "I should be getting back. I hope Fakir's safe now. Bye!"

She disappeared around the corner, and Fakir rolled his eyes. _"Okay Drosselmeyer,"_ he quacked, _"This has gone on long enough. What do I do to go back to being a human?"_

Drosselmeyer's voice boomed out, "Why, think like a duck, naturally."

_"Oh, brilliant. Okay, fine. What do ducks do? They... fly south for the Winter... and float on the water..."_ Flying south didn't seem likely, so he hopped onto the lake, and felt warmth engulf him, the green stone glowing brightly. He sat in the lake, human again.

And also butt-naked.

"GAH!" he yelped, and prayed Ahiru had already gone too far to hear and come back. This was _so embarrassing_. "What gives?"

"Well, ducks don't wear clothes, do they?" Fakir felt alarm course through him at the feminine voice, and turned to see a queer looking woman with peppermint green hair and a strange musical device. "Here, I found them further back there. You must have transformed there, right?" She held out his school uniform, and he gratefully took it from her as she turned her back. He was exceedingly glad that his -ahem- privates had been hidden from view in the water. This was not amusing in the least, and he was getting the feeling perhaps Drosselmeyer _was_ a pervert after all.

Once he was dressed, the woman smiled at him. "I am Edel. Your name is Fakir, right? Drosselmeyer asked me to inform you that if you say 'screw it', you will return to your _true form_."

"I am not a duck," Fakir snapped.

"You are now."

"No."

"Yes."

"... I'm going home now."

"There are more rules~" she called out in a sing-song voice. He froze, and robotically turned to face her.

"Go on."

She began to walk at his side as they made their way back to the school. "Rule one, is of course, you must restore the pieces of Rue's heart. Rule two, if you say 'screw it' or anything similar, you will turn into a duck. Rule three, if you confess your love to the person you love, you'll vanish into a speck of light."

"Ouch, harsh," he cut in.

"I don't make the rules sweetie. Rule four, if Rue finds out that you are Prince Liebe, you will die. Any questions?"

Fakir chose not to ask; he didn't think he wanted to know. What kind of rules were these anyway? Edel left him at the entrance to the school, and he headed for the boy's dorm without another word. But Ahiru was sitting outside the door, on the steps, a frown on her face. Mytho was sitting with her, and they were speaking in low murmurs. Fakir could just hear them contemplating where he might be, when Ahiru looked up and spotted him. "There you are!" she cried, pointing, "Where have you been - not that it's any of my business, but Mytho was... anyway! You shouldn't just wander off without telling anyone, because then everyone is..."

Fakir ignored her, apologising to Mytho, and stepping through the door. "Hey!" Ahiru yelled, "I was speaking to you, you can't just brush it off like that when we've spent the day looking everywhere for you! Must you be so rude to everyone you meet?"

He gave her a blank look, and slammed the door in her face. It wasn't as if he could tell them all, 'so sorry, I turned into a duck and couldn't do anything about it for a while, by the way, this could be happening on a regular basis' could he?

"Goodnight, Fakir," Mytho said calmly. He didn't bother to ask where Fakir had been, because he honestly didn't care as long as he was safely home. He might have been curious, but he didn't show it as he climbed the stairs to their bedroom.

~ScrewIt~

"Good morning sunshine," Fakir sat bolt upright, peering wildly about the room. Mytho was settled on the window sill, waving blankly at the sun. Which was weird, but Fakir didn't take the time to persue it. Getting up, but trying not to alert Mytho to his conscious condition, he exited the room listening to Mytho telling the sun about his troubles... which appeared to be few and far between, and needed to be greatly exaggerated to make the 'conversation' entertaining.

"See you in class Mytho," Fakir called as he exited the room, and made his way to the lesson room, other students flocking around him, while he attempted to ignore them all. He paused as always underneath Rue's window, and double-checked that she wouldn't attempt to crush anyone again, before he himself managed to trip over and crush someone beneath him.

"Ouch..." the person groaned as he muttered an apology. Seeing who it was, he wondered what the chances of him escaping were... less than 3%. "Ah, Fakir-sempai," the red-head exclaimed, "Good morning. Where's Senior Mytho?"

Raising an eyebrow slightly at her change from 'sempai' to 'senior', he said seriously, "I left him greeting the sun. I had not previously realised that the sun was sentient, but Mytho has once again, proved me wrong."

Apparently, she didn't comprehend. "So... he's still in your room?"

"... yes."

"Oh."

Awkward. "Uh... so, we'll be late... aren't you normally late anyway?"

"I didn't sleep last night. There was this girl, and she was giving me a really hard time... well actually, she's my friend, but I just can't work out what's gotten into her, because she's usually so supportive... last night though, she wouldn't stop yelling at me..."

"What makes you think I honestly care?" he snorted, proceeding past her.

She huffed, and hurried to catch up to him, much to his annoyance. "Well, because you asked why I wasn't late, and I was just explaining why..."

"No, I commented on the fact that you're usually late, I didn't want to know why, because I. Don't. Care."

She growled at him but he passed over her, making to stride past her, when he saw the shadow of Drosselmeyer around the corner. "Shit!" he yelped, spun around, grabbed Ahiru's shoulders, and forced her to face the wall, not hearing her outraged shouts, but feeling how she struggled to get free. "Shut up will you? He'll hear you..."

"Who?" she asked, suddenly intrigued.

"... the creepy old man round the corner. He won't leave me alone..." he shuddered, and Ahiru gave him a skeptical look.

"A creepy old dude is follow - -" she froze as Drosselmeyer strode round the corner, for she had in the past few moments managed to turn around, "OH MY DUCKS!" Fakir jumped, and released her, edging away from her as if her weirdness was contagious. "Who the _hell_ is that creepy old...?" realisation dawned, and she nodded sagely. "Ohhh, right. But what is with the outfit? How does he walk around unnoticed?"

_'Good question, remarkably,'_ Fakir mused, and eyed Drosselmeyer anxiously. Oh dear God, he hoped he wasn't introducing a plot device yet. "Little Ahiru," the old man greeted her, "You need to go to class. I need to assign Fakir his next task as Prince Liebe."

"Prince whatta? Nevermind. I don't want Neko-sensei proposing again. See you Fakir-sempai!"

"Oh, just blurt it out in front of everyone," Fakir grumbled, and he wasn't sure he was talking about Neko-sensei's habits or Drosselmeyer's blatant indication of who Fakir was... though he supposed Ahiru didn't know about that anyway.

"Come, walk with me," Drosselmeyer said kindly.

"Hell no. I'll be late too you know, and you never know how desperate that feline is..."

"Shut up. I'll only be dropping in on you on purpose everytime I feel like it, so this is a rare opportunity. In future, you'll somehow be able to hear me from my clock-cog and darjeeling tea limbo. Savvy?" Fakir groaned; he couldn't really waste time with this, it was pointless, but the guy would never leave him alone otherwise, and hey, maybe it would be useful if Drosselmeyer could explain the plot device before it appeared so he wouldn't just have to use intellect to work it out. That would be easier. Yes.

But did they have to do the dramatic walking? It would probably look good if the book this creep was writing was ever made into a movie, he supposed, but with as much interference as it was getting from the author...

... hang on a second... sure, he might be a duck and magical ballerina prince... but it was just not realistic for people to be part of a story. Right.

He followed Drosselmeyer for a good time, before it became apparent to Fakir that the scenery wasn't changing. "Ummm..."

"Scenery? Yes, I got bored with description. It'll do though. No one really bothers to read descriptions anyway," Drosselmeyer guessed. "Alright. Plot device. So, as we speak, Rue is breaking Mytho's heart by dating this random OC, but because girls are more fun to torture since they scream so well, he isn't really relevant to the plot, and will disappear completely next episode... chapter, because no one likes him."

"Oh, so you're a fortune teller now?"

"No, but I could be." Fakir blinked, and was quite sure he could hear a distinct, 'Bud dom tish!' sound in the background. And perhaps crickets. "The plot device is Little Ahiru's aggressive friend. Yeah, she's got a heart shard, and since I'm doing the love and ballet theme, you have to go and dance with her now, and Prince Liebe. Go on, you're late."

Fakir flipped him the finger, but apparently Drosselmeyer didn't notice, so Fakir hurried to class, and grimaced as he stood at the entrance. It wasn't hard to pick out which was the angry friend; even Neko-sensei had backed up to the wall as she ranted and raged, and Ahiru whimpered in the corner. "You're always _so_ late! And you get all the attention from Fakir-sempai, just because I'm only a minor character! You're so..." Fakir frowned; did everyone know they were in a story, and why was Ahiru a main character? That wasn't fair.

"Here we go," Fakir grumbled, and recgonized her as 'Pike', and she was a Fakir Girl, so he wondered if he should bother transforming... how did he transform anyway?

_'What did I do last time?'_ he gripped the stone around his neck, and winced as it dug into his skin. Ah. That'd be it, he noted as it engulfed him in a glow that was neither warm, nor cold. Kind of just a glow. He soon stood in his cape, tights, toe shoes and his hair was short. How could people not know it was him though, seriously?

Not concerned for her well-being in particular, he strode forward (or, more like, delicately made his way across en pointe, which although is a perfectly reasonable thing for a ballet dancer to do, Fakir didn't care to confess he did) and grabbed Pike's arm, dragging her into a pas des deux. "What is your problem?" he demanded, ears still ringing from her shouting, "If you're angry about something, there's no need to take it out on other people and their ear drums, which yes, we do all need. So anyway, you're not really angry. I know that because some old man told me."

"What?"

"Yeah. So what bothers you so much?"

"Um. I know it was just Lilie being Lilie, but she bugged me so much when she kept telling me how even Ahiru had more chance with Fakir. There's nothing _wrong_ with Ahiru, and I would support her if she _did_ get Fakir, but she's not even a dedicated fangirl! I put in the effort, and she _still_ gets to talk to him more than I do. Ahiru's a _Mytho Girl_, so she can't stake any claims on Fakir."

Fakir rolled his eyes; how pathetic. "Okay. So, why don't you take the initiative, and talk to Fakir yourself?" It was awkward referring to himself in third person, and he would be regretting this suggestion later. "I very much doubt that Ahiru is going to steal him away anyway, she's really talkative and annoying, so I... sorry, _he_ wouldn't give her the time of day."

"Ah, thankyou..." Pike sighed happily, and Fakir could've smacked his head against the wall. How. Boring. And. Easy! A purple transparent version of Rue formed before him. _I am the feeling of anger_, she said, and he groaned. Just what that girl needed. Anger. Even so, he accepted the purple stone (why was a heart shard made of _stone_? If that wasn't some crazy foreshadowing, he didn't know what was) heart shard that floated into his hands, found Rue, and held it out to her.

"Take it, shove it in the black hole, and be happy," he said.

She blinked at him. "Humans can't fly?"

He did not feel the need to dignify that with an answer, and just held the shard out as it floated into her chest. Not that he was looking. It's just where it went. Because, that's where hearts are. The heart shard was shiny. He liked shiny things. Maybe he'd bother with it, just because he could.

What he didn't get, as he padded out of the classroom, was how no one present had questioned the fact the Rue just absorbed some random shiny jewel. _'What is _wrong_ with this place?!'_

He almost said 'screw it'. Oh so close. Until he remembered that he would turn into a duck, and then he'd have to find water to turn back, and a naked Fakir in the school grounds is just _begging_ for fan service. And crowds. Lots of crowds.

.... not all of them female. O_O

~ScrewIt~

**Kura: **A bit short, but I wanted to get it out of the way, and it helped me work out a bit where I would be going with this. I have a few ideas for the future, including how Princess Kraehe's alternate self will behave in Akt 13 - you know the one. The finale. _-sniggers-_ Oh dear. I would now like everyone to say my favourite lines I gave to them this chapter. Because I seriously _loved_ a few of these.

Ahiru: OH MY DUCKS!

Rue: Someone told me yesterday that humans can't fly... but when I tried yesterday, I just... sort of... fell.

Mytho: Good morning sunshine.

Fakir: I left him greeting the sun. I had not previously realised that the sun was sentient, but Mytho has once again, proved me wrong.

Kura: aww... I love you guys for letting me give you funny lines that don't suit you.

Ahiru: I like mine Kura-chan!

Fakir: You would say that, you're a suck up.

Ahiru: Am not!

Kura: I'd like to explain why there was no Anteaterina. It is because when, in the past, I attempted to write a chapter containing her, I got very bored, and slack, and it was an awful chapter, which led to a terrible story. Essentially, I didn't want to do that again. So, while discussing with ShadoWolfDemon what I ought to do, I realised that in the second arc of Princess Tutu, I found it always _immensely_ co-incidental, and conveniant, that Ahiru met all Mytho's victims on the very day he decided to steal their hearts. I know why, of course, the story wouldn't work otherwise, but still. So, occassionally, Fakir'll be collecting heart shards from those girls, so I don't need to make OC's. Sometimes, though, he'll collect from the originals. If not, then they will appear at some point in the story anyway, though not necessarily with any significance.

Autor: Kura... -shudders- _chan_ does not own Princess Tutu, or Princess Tutu Abridged, or Big Daddy Home Dawg D.

Kura: Thankyou!

Pike: Yay, I had significance! Anyway, Kura-chan would really appreciate a beta-reader on this one. She usually doesn't bother, and trusts herself, but she feels like having one for once, and hopes it will improve her writing.

Lilie: Feeling of the day is ANGER! I love those feelings...

Pike: R_iii_ght... so, Kura-chan has a few conditions for a beta-reader!

Edel: Rule One! Be kind :) Rule Two, she would like, if possible, her chapters to be sent back to her within two to three days of her passing them over. Rule Three, Kura-chan informs us that she has AIM, MSN, and there's always good old fashioned messages on fanfiction . net. for passing her chapters. Rule Four, be her friend ^_^ and Rule Five, any advice is loved.

Kura: Thanks guys! I think that covers it. All that's left is for you to review.


	3. In Which Fakir Plays Babysitter and

**This Is All Wrong**

**by Black-Sakura27**

**Disclaimer: **Black-Sakura27 does not own Princess Tutu. She was also inspired by a similar idea to this, and does not claim full ownership. Black-Sakura27 does not own the first verse of the 'theme song' either. This is credited to Princess Tutu Abridged. She wrote the second verse for this fan fiction, but well... it's crappy, right?

**Warnings: **Occassional out-of-character-ness, which was unavoidable.  
Extreme Drosselmeyer behaviour.  
Extreme Ahiru stupidity.  
Minor bad language.

Fakir quality sarcasm.

**Summary:** An insane old man interferes with Fakir's life and asks him to restore the pieces of his best friend's girlfriend's shattered heart. "Wait. So, all the times she said she loved him, she was lying through her teeth?" It would be easier if wanna-be knights weren't trying to mess everything up. "Screw it."

**Chapter Three: In Which Fakir Plays Babysitter, and Ahiru Plays Too Many Card Games…**

~ScrewIt~

_She's A Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass,  
Even Though She Is A Duck She Really Is High Class,  
And In Ballet School She Barely Can Pass,  
Magical Ballerina Princess With A Nice Ass!_

_One Day Evil Fanfic Writers Came And Stole The Plot,  
Took A Knight, A Duck, A Prince And Threw Them In A Pot,  
Stirred With Frequent Errors, And Changed To What Was Not,  
Meant To Be And Served With Liebe,  
A Magical Ballerina Prince Who Is Reluctant!_

~ScrewIt~

"Ooh, chocolate!" a voice exclaimed and was followed by an angry shout.

Fakir glanced up from the book he was reading (he'd been trying to pretend _nothing_ weird had ever happened to him, and was failing) to see that an unfortunate student had just taken Rue's chocolate from her and was feeling her wrath. She'd been more hot headed than a hot chilli devouring camel ever since he'd returned that heart shard to her. Also, since she'd chucked a lamp at Mytho's head, Fakir had been put on babysitting duty by his sort-of-friendly-room mate.

So far, he'd found the best method of occupying her attention was to give her chocolate, and lots of it, then allowing her to spin in dizzying circles around him while he read until she collapsed on the ground and he started again. She was surprisingly easy to handle. Well it could become problematic when he ran out of chocolate. "Hey," he snapped at the student, taking the chocolate back from the thief and giving it back to Rue who immediately calmed. "That's Rue's chocolate. And it's expensive." She liked Belgian chocolate best, and truffles, and never seemed to get sick. "Shove off."

The poor student ran for the hills. Two angry dancers was too much for anyone. Fakir realised that he had run out of chocolate, and remembered that the annoying Ahiru had told him about a restaurant; Belgian chocolate she'd said. Yes, he remembered that particular conversation; he'd found her following him a lot now, talking to – no _at_ him, and asking why he had Rue at his heels all the time.

"Are you and Rue dating now?" she'd asked, camera in hand as she snapped stalker shots of Mytho for the Fan League of Mytho-ness (he'd suggested a new and less obvious name, but she'd ignored it).

That particular comment from the red-head had caused a _very_ awkward conversation with Mytho that night in the dormitory loaded with accusations of betrayal. Fakir thereby discovered how melodramatic his friend actually was. How Mytho knew was beyond him, but since Ahiru turned up the next day with signed photos of the white-haired boy, he could assume some sort of extortion was performed on the girl. God Mytho was creepy. And apparently sarcasm was lost on Ahiru, given she had clearly not understood his sarcastic reply of 'sure, sure, I'm so very lucky to be dating the heartless but angry ice-queen...'

What? Mytho creepy? When he spent time with the neighbourhood's friendly stalker? Pssh. Yes. "Rue, I need to go shopping. Coming?"

"Hungry. Cho-cho-chocola_aa_ate..." her voice wound down robotically and Fakir panicked. No! She was running out of power! Mytho would kill him if she short-circuited under his supervision. Seeing Ahiru passing by, he passed the heartless one on to her and told her to not freak out, watch Rue, and he'd be back.

There. Now if she did short-circuit, Mytho would blame Ahiru not him. Too easy. He had better get chocolate now! _'How does Mytho take care of this shell? She could die at any moment! And I'm nearly out of cash! I need a job...'_

He turned out to be a bit short in the end anyway and he hastily explained that, "I've got this friend and she doesn't have a heart at least according to a creepy old dude who thinks he's like, the creator or something, and she powers down without chocolate and only knows how to express anger so dude, I need chocolate NOW! Women are notoriously upset if they don't get chocolate, that's all you need to know!"

The man there hastily gave him the chocolate and told him to get the hell out before he spread crazy-disease through the entire stock. He raced back to where Ahiru was sitting poking Rue with a stick worriedly and produced the chocolate, bringing Rue back to life. "Oh thank god," he muttered.

"Rue just gained hp, didn't she Fakir?"

"What the hell? Hp?"

"Health points," Ahiru explained knowingly.

"Have you been playing those card games again, Ahiru?" he demanded and she looked ashamed, "I've told you those things are bad for you."

"Psssh, no they're not. They're _fun_. And I like the cute little animal pictures."

Fakir: …

Ahiru's eyes grew wide. "Oh no! Now Fakir is powering down! Rue, Rue, we've got to help Fakir!" She looked to the giddily spinning ballerina, and grabbed her arm to stop her spinning. Dizzily, Rue's gaze snapped to hers. "Chocolate increased your hp, but what works on Fakir?"

"…" Rue blinked repeatedly, trying to focus, "Ugh. Water."

"Water? Okay, makes sense, you come too. Fakir, water, we're getting water for you."

Fakir glared, "I don't need water, moron, _she_ asked for water. She's going to be sick."

"… Oh. Fakir. Your hp is ok."

He smacked the back of her head, "Idiot! Stop playing card games!"

And so the three of them set out to find Rue some water. "Water, water, water~" Ahiru sung as they walked, dragging Rue behind her, "We need special water for Rue. Tap water isn't good enough."

"Why not? I bet she usually drinks it."

"Because Rue's more like a princess, and I don't think princesses should drink tap water."

"Don't be stupid, there's nothing wrong with it, you're just wasting time!"

Yet Ahiru kept leading them along looking for _'special'_ water. "Ah-ha!" she squealed seeing a quaint but expensive looking little restaurant through the pine trees, "See Fakir? We can get Rue some restaurant water!"

"Which is basically just tap water anyway," Fakir pointed out, "water is water."

"Nooo~ water is H2O. I learnt that somewhere."

Fakir rolled his eyes again. "Look, you'll just weird out the owner. _I'll_ go and get the water with Rue, and _you_ wait here. Don't. Move." Grabbing Rue's arm, he pulled the doll-like girl up to the front door and opened it, checking for signs of life. "Okay Rue, stand here by the door, I'll get you a drink."

'_Not really thirsty anymore. Oh well. Bored now.'_ Rue's gaze trailed around the room. _'Oh look, a creepy lady hiding in the shadows with a serial killer grin and a great big butcher knife. Maybe I should tell Fakir that she's there.'_ "Fakir-."

"HOLY SWEET-!"

~ScrewIt~

Mytho had a gut feeling something bizarre was happening somewhere to his beloved and his friend… _Crunch, crunch, crunch…_ "Oh my god, chips are so noisy to eat!"

~ScrewIt~

_Meanwhile, someone less intelligent but more concerned was posing as an ice sculpture…_

"Hm. There's a lot of crashing and shouting going on in there. Kinda loud for just getting water. Maybe I should go in there… but Fakir told me not to move…"

_Inside…_

"—CRACKERS! Rue, go back outside now!"

"It's too late…" said psycho-lady, "the door locks on automatic!"

"… really?" Fakir said, forgetting his fear for the moment, "No seriously, that's pretty techie for this region of the world. We're still using gas lamps and quills. How does it work?"

"It's pretty simple actually," psycho-lady said animatedly, "I put it together myself; I thought, why not, if I'm going to go on a mass-murdering spree…" she shrugged.

"Cool, no, I commend you for it. That's pretty sweet. So, do you have like a button or something or…?"

"No, no, it locks when you close the door. I'm working on a button though, because the one time I left my hermit hole here to get food supplies, I accidentally locked myself out. It was a funny story, I should tell you while I'm attacking you."

"Please," Fakir invited, reaching up to the stone around his neck. May as well be Prince Liebe with magical powers for this situation… funny, the stone was already glowing. Hey, maybe this chick had a heart shard! Oh god… what kind of heart shard? He didn't want to give Rue the feeling of psycho…

"Hey, dude, your neck is glowing," psycho-lady observed.

"No kidding?"

"Fakir, I'm gonna go get something to eat. BRB, kk?" Rue walked past them to the storage room.

"Wait a moment!" Psycho-lady and Fakir (now as Prince Liebe) followed her, "You have to pay for that!"

"Oh no, it's good. Fakir'll do it… Ho shiz, where's Fakir?"

They both turned to look at him. "Who the hell are you?" said psycho-lady.

"Huh?"

"Oh, he's that guy who told me humans can't fly. He also gave me this glowing purple rock. I reckon glowing is a universal sign for 'maybe you should look but don't touch' but this guy didn't really give me a chance…"

"Oh quit monologuing," he snapped and sent her up to the roof in a twisty tree thing. "Cool. I didn't know I could do that. Now shut up," Liebe told her and she abruptly fell asleep, a bag of potato chips still gripped tightly in one hand. "Okay psycho-lady…"

"Ebine."

"Whatever. It's you and me. You've got a glowy stone like she was talking about, and I need it. Might help if you could mention your primary emotion these days."

"I haven't got a glowy rock," said Ebine, "I've only got a strangely translucent purple lady that drops by every now and again. She tells me things. How I should kill people and stuff. It was her idea to set up the automatic lock. Oh, and she told me I should kill everyone that came here because they weren't, you know, awesome."

Liebe: …

Inner Fakir of Liebe: Crap! Recover! Recover HP!

"Okay whatever you say. So you've got the feeling of, like, Psycho-Ego, or something?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Never asked her name. Here, ask her yourself." A purple floating Rue materialised at Ebine's side.

_Sup. I'm the feeling of Psycho. Not ego. Just psycho. Pleased to meet you. _

"Oh. Well, look, you seem to be doing fine here. Rue doesn't really need that feeling…"

_I don't _always_ manifest as the desire to kill,_ Psycho told him, _I want to go back. This lady's old and I'm bored._

"… Ok. Come on over."

"Nooo~!" Ebine wailed and suddenly produced a little controller, "ACTIVATE HOLOGRAPHIC BOAT!" she shouted and pressed a green button.

_Ah crap,_ said Psycho!Rue, _I never should have told her how to do this._

Fakir shrugged and figured he might as well try and make a holographic boat of his own. "Score," he said when it worked. "I probably have to dance now, right?"

_Probably. Go ahead. Tell her something like… killing is wrong, and you're better than that… you know, feed her lots of love. Compliment her. Ask her to dinner. Something like that._

"Um. I'll go with my own methods, thanks."

~ScrewIt~

_Outside…_

"My nose is itchy… hurry up Fakir, I want to move again…" She waited a moment. "Man, sounds really windy in there. Which is weird."

~ScrewIt~

_Inside…_

Liebe made some wind as he pirouetted and leapt around in a cool totally not lame way. "I only came here for some goddamn water," he told Ebine, "and I never asked for any of this. But Psycho!Rue is right; killing is bad. Please put down the butcher knife."

Ebine smiled. "But the knife is my friend."

"No," Fakir said, "the knife is bad. You could make real friends. Just stop trying to kill people, be nice, feed them and stuff, and then you could just use the knife for cooking."

"Really?"

"Yes really. Put it down."

"K."

Fakir blinked. Everything was over. He picked the shiny from the ground and let Rue down, warily giving it to her. "Get your own damn water," he snapped and left.

Rue stared at Ebine. "Dude. What the hell was that?"

"Prince Liebe."

"Huh. Did he tell you that?"

"No, just a guess."

"Eh, okily-dokily. Gonna go find my self-professed boyfriend now and threaten him for fun. Bye!"

Rue stepped outside and there was Ahiru, still standing stock still. "Hey Rue, where's Fakir?"

"Uhm… I don't know. He disappeared. Prince Liebe was there though."

"Who's… never mind. What happened in there?"

"Psycho lady tried to kill us, but it's all good now."

Ahiru: … … … … "Hey Rue? Can I move now?"

~ScrewIt~

Kura: Okay… I know, Rue's not being heartless enough. It's just really difficult writing her without emotions. I've decided that she's a different manifestation of heartlessness – in other words, she just doesn't really care what's happening around her and gets distracted a lot. Is that okay? Please tell me it is. Otherwise this fic's gonna fail. And yes. The OOC-ness is on purpose.

Lillie: Feeling of today was Psycho. I think we need better feelings.

Ahiru: I don't think I could stay still that long…

Fakir: You couldn't.

Mytho: Sorry I didn't come to help you Rue, it was my favourite flavour of chips. Besides, they can handle it.

Autor: The reason Kura didn't include Mytho coming in at the end and explaining about Prince Liebe is because Fakir didn't need to be told; Edel already told him everything, so no angsting Fakir. (Thank god, he cries too much…)

Fakir: Excuse me if I've got _feelings_.

Autor: -sticks tongue out-

Fakir: …

Kura: Anyway, at least that's another chapter. I'm meant to be on hiatus. But I got bored during my holidays and wrote this. And it's weird. And kinda lame. Oh well. I hope you liked it anyway, do please review.

Rue: … I'm sorry. Holy sweet crackers? That's Fakir's shocked sound?

Kura: He knows better than to quack. And no, his phrase is screw it. But really, psycho lady surprised him, screw it wasn't the most appropriate phrase. Now. Review. Everyone.


End file.
